The Downside of Impatience

Sometimes waiting really is the best and the most intelligent thing to do. My husband admitted to me that if he gets this job in Anchorage, he might not be so willing to move to the bush to teach. He has always wanted to teach university level, it appeals to him more than the younger students, he just never desired the publication driven tenure track of a full fledged professor. If he gets this position he has applied for, it would essentially be his dream job in the state he loves. And while I would love for this to happen for him, it would essentially mean I will be stuck in the city. I have heard that of all cities, Anchorage is one of the most beautiful and does not feel so much like a big city. I am certain it has to be better than my current locality of Salt Lake City where the air is hard to breathe and the traffic is amazingly miserable. I am determined to make the most of whatever happens. My husband is not so certain he even has a chance at this position, he does not have much experience at getting jobs, but I have the utmost faith in him and his credentials. He is a brilliant man and sociology is his passion. He knows more about it than many of the undergraduate sociology teachers I have met. However, if more qualified applicants happen to exist and apply, then we will be out nothing and continue on with our current plan. We will make it to Alaska eventually, whether in two months or two years I cannot say.

Possibilities

My husband is, at the moment, applying for a faculty position with the University of Alaska Anchorage. I came across the position while researching distance learning prep programs that we could do while in the bush. Anchorage would be a jumping off point for us, a way to evaluate the districts and find the best positions and finish our teaching prep programs prior to actually moving to the bush. Anchorage is expensive though and housing is not easy to find when one has two large dogs, as I mentioned previously. But here’s to hoping…

Random Babbling

Since this is a blog and no one is reading it anyway, that gives me license to ramble on about random, idiotic things. So here goes…

NPR had a clip of George Bush encouraging Americans and Congress to think about drilling for oil in the Alaska Wildlife Refuge. Does he really need to continue to prove what an idiot he is? Aren’t the last seven and a half years enough of a case against him?

“You know the country is going to shit when the three most important names are Bush, Dick, and Colin.” ~ paraphrased from Kurt Vonnegut.


Proof that Brigham Young University cannot actually educate their students (and that the newspaper will print anything). This is an actual quote from a weatherman at Brigham Young University regarding high winds in the area:
"When they come in gushes like that, 50 mph winds can cause some damage when they come so sudden," James said.

UTA (Utah Transit Authority) is raising their rates to ride city buses. It will now cost me $2.00 to get to work and $2.00 to get home. When averaged out over the month, that is almost more money than I would pay for gas. Now I realize there are other benefits to public transportation but when the most common complaint is that it is just too expensive, I believe someone needs to look at the whole plan again and revise their strategy.

Questionable Enthusiasm?

Some reading this or my questions on the ATP forum may wonder what exactly my reasons are for being so enthusiastic about moving to the tundra. Some questions that might be asked are: Am I running away from something? Am I desperate? What is so wrong with waiting three years until I finish my degree?

First of all, no I am not running away from something. I like to think I am running to something. Not that my life here is that terrible. I have a great life and I enjoy every minute, except maybe my job but that is nearing an end. I have a beautiful old Victorian house, a great husband, a wonderful son and life is great. I do not expect Alaska to cure or solve or eliminate any problems I currently have. In fact, truth be told, if I wanted an easy life I would remain here. Life is easy here but I am not looking for the easy way out. Challenge breeds knowledge and risk is the single most important predictor of happiness. I don’t want to spend life ensconced in my comfort zone. Challenge me.

I am also not desperate. Nothing is forcing me into this or persuading me to do it just as quickly as I can. I have a great job for only having an Associate’s Degree. In fact, it is a miracle I have this position if one is hiring solely on papered credentials. No one doubts that I am good at what I do, though, despite my lack of love for it and despite the advanced degree that everyone else in my position holds.

So, as to the last question, what is wrong with waiting? Therein might lie some of the haste. I am currently 28. By the time I finish school I will be 32. That is not old by anyone’s standards of course (unless you are asking a 12 year old), but it does make one wonder what exactly one is doing with one’s life. I have finally figured out what it is I want to do and now that I know, I don’t want to wait any longer. I know my husband is also getting restless. He wants to move as badly as I do and I am surprised he is at this moment agreeing to wait until I am finished with my degree. At the back of my mind is also the understanding that we are waiting to have more children until after we see how we react to Alaska and become a little more comfortable in that particular environment. That will place me in my mid-thirties. I hate to feel as if I am on a time clock, the very fact that age has to enter into this equation at all irritates me somewhat. There is nothing wrong with waiting, waiting itself actually provides some opportunities in our particular circumstances. However, that does not make waiting any easier. And yes, with time the enthusiasm might fade slightly but the dream never will.

Journeys and Destinations

I am the mistress of clichés. I don’t particularly believe them but I always have one handy when something distresses me. So the one I am thinking about today? It is not the destination that ultimately provides us with happiness but the journey. (Or something pretty close to that.) I called the local university and it will take me three more years to finish my teaching degree. Nevermind that I have already completed an Associate’s Degree. Nevermind that I have been taking online courses for the past year that apparently do not count. So does that mean three more years in Utah? Most likely. On a whim we looked at housing prices in Anchorage and we could probably swing a small one bedroom apartment while I finish my degree but the costs are exorbitant and we have the dogs. Pets are always an issue but they are even more of an issue when one weighs over 200 pounds and the other weighs over 100. There is almost more doggy poundage in our household than there is human poundage. On another whim, I looked at becoming an aid, or what they call a paraprofessional, in one of the rural villages we are looking at while my husband teaches and I finish my degree online but we are not sure how easy that will be. I could imagine cabin fever sinking in even more dramatically. However, the option is still floating around in the back of my mind. It wouldn’t be this school year but possibly the next when my husband has his teaching cert in hand and we have had ample time to try and sell the house. There really is no hurry but how boring will this blog be if it really is three years before I end up in Alaska? Enthusiasm can only carry this so far. I don’t suppose I would be so distressed if I were starting school in three months instead of seven. I have to work the rest of the year, it doesn’t make sense financially not to due to several things I won’t go into at the moment. So… seven more months of sitting on my bum in front of a computer pretending like I care, although not pretending too hard obviously. We already know I am not the world’s best actress. Seriously though, just because it is not happening tomorrow does not mean it is not as exciting or that it might not happen. It only means that I have more time in which to learn and explore and prepare myself.

The Present Situation

Ok so I am backing off of my obsession with the future momentarily to rant about the present. I am not particularly pleased with my current occupation which is good considering I am about to make a complete career change. I always find it somewhat difficult to tell people what I do currently. Their inevitable answer is “oh, you must be really good at math” or “you must love numbers.” Um…not really. Throughout school, math was the only area in which I really struggled. If it weren’t for the math section of my ACT, I would have finished with a score of 35 or 36 compared to a 32. I am a lover of words, as can probably be surmised from my rambling posts. My career at the moment is not so much a career as it is a job, an aid to help pay the bills. There are some aspects of it I enjoy but the majority is tedious, monotonous work belabored by bureaucratic, politically correct bull@#$!. I have developed a reputation at my current workplace of being blunt, saying exactly what is on my mind and not sugar coating things. Now granted, I am not so stupid to be rude or demeaning or to get myself fired on the spot but I also don’t believe in dishonesty. My boss knows I won’t be making a career out of being a financial analyst and my coworkers know it as well. Anyway, this post really does have more substance than just a rant on my current job dissatisfaction. The point is that I cannot believe people would spend their entire life doing something they hate just to pay the mortgage on their three car garage, grinning all the while. Life is to be enjoyed. Life is to be reveled in, life is to be an adventure and a challenge. Life is meant to be spent doing whatever you love, not doing what pays the bills on things you don’t even need. Ok, stepping off my soapbox and rant over.

Simplicity

There is something especially appealing about Alaska that I did not mention in my previous post. Simplicity. I have been searching for this all my adult life. While a life of simplicity seems boring to many, it is truly the life I seek. I would love to live a life where I had no car – nothing to fix or maintain, freedom from traffic and road rage, no gas stations or car payments. I would love to live in a village where there aren’t any pretentious chain restaurants with bland, boring food –where living off the land is second nature and respect for both the land and the weather is necessary to maintain some degree of sanity. I do not need a large circle of friends or a parade of personalities and acquaintances to keep me satisfied. My husband and I appreciate our alone time but that alone time can be as simple as sitting on opposite ends of the couch reading different books. The life I am living currently, surrounded by consumerism and wasteful tendencies brings me little pleasure. Despite my practical tendencies, however, I am often extremely impatient. Alaska seems so far away, hidden in one sided blogs and one-sided propaganda. I am reduced to watching from afar and living vicariously through others until I finish my degree. The time is good, I tell myself, and will bring me to a position in which I will be able to offer the best to my students and the district I will be working for. Freedom to me does not mean the ability to go wherever I please in my polluting automobile or the ability to watch whatever I please on my television. Freedom to me means freedom from all of these society imposed expectations, the need to get caught up in the rat race and make more money to buy more things. Freedom to me is living as I choose in cooperation with others, not at the sake of others.

So...Where do I want to Teach?

Typically, where a teacher will begin to hone and perfect his or her educational skills is not a question that is high on the list of priorities to answer. However, this very question is one of the main reasons I am considering a career change. The where is as important to me as the why but has more than one answer and will shift as I look into more and more options. Let me first narrow down this answer by saying where I do not want to teach. I do not want to teach in an inner city or even predominately urban school. Rural areas are what entice me, the opportunity to take the class for a field trip right outside the back door and research different leaves and trees, the ability to incorporate a love for nature and the land in my students, the desire to encourage the kind of imagination that can really only be found and nurtured while roaming relatively free in the wilderness.

Lately I have been looking into teaching in Alaska. Alaska appeals to me for many reasons, despite the fact that cold weather has the potential to make me downright crabby. I hope to overcome this lifelong propensity towards mood shifts associated with the changing climate and really bask in the beauty of this land. Alaska is superior to all other American regions in its beauty and cultural uniqueness. I can’t even begin to fathom all the differences about the Alaskan bush that I think I understand. I have a voracious appetite for knowledge, as previously ascertained, and have been devouring personal accounts and first hand experiences of other Alaskan bush teachers. I do not know what it is like to be contained in one spot for a winter, or longer, because there is no option of driving out (no roads) or flying out because of the weather. I do not know what it feels like to have to plan meticulously and order all my food and supplies online or by guerilla shopping while on a layover in a larger town that actually boasts a retail store. I do not know what it is like to have to travel by snowmobile because automobiles are impractical and will not plow through feet of snow. And while all this uncertainty is definitely daunting, I am looking forward to the experience. Alaska will not only introduce me to these hardships but also to amazing opportunities that I cannot indulge in where I am at currently. The Alaskan natives and culture are unique and I am positive the experience will teach me far more than I may teach my students. My husband is excited as well, he was raised in Alaska, though not in the bush but rather in a suburb of Anchorage. It is an experience we do not want to miss.

So...Why do I want to Teach?

I am about to apply to the teacher education program at my local university and am making plans at the same time to quit my job of two years that makes me about 40k a year and ensures a relatively comfortable life. This career change is fraught with anxiety, as any change is bound to be, and I am examining it with a fine toothed comb before I turn in my resignation. In truth, I have about six months before that would have to happen. I am on a one year contract that will end in October with my current employer. I am 2 years shy of thirty which is also making me firmly question my desires and pressuring me to make sure I am doing this for the right reason. My husband is also making the move into education but he is no stranger to the field. With his four degrees, he has been in school since he was five. His transition will be from student to teacher. Together we share three great passions (besides our passion for one another) – a love for knowledge and all forms of learning, a passion for nature and the land, and a desire to travel. Education for both of us will open many doors. Not only do we get to be in a constant environment where learning is guaranteed but we also have a chance to travel. A career as teachers will ensure we can get a job practically anywhere. Low pay does not concern us; we live simply and have few needs. Summers off is also very appealing.

However, it occurred to me that I should not look at this career change in the terms of logistics only. I started to ask myself very probing questions. Such a decision should not be taken lightly. I thought back to my childhood and my school experience. I grew up in a rural Midwestern town and my school (elementary, middle, and senior) boasted an impressive population of about 300 students. All students were allowed to participate in all extracurricular activities, the class size was under thirty, and from kindergarten through twelfth grade, my classmates were always the same. I loved this rural feel and I long for it now as I am about to send my son into an inner city kindergarten that has so many students, their kindergarten is divided into three sections. (I know that is considered rural to many but it is mind boggling to me).

More than anything, I felt safe at my school. My household harbored secret abuse and was a place of chaos. When I was at school, though, I was someone. The teachers realized my potential and I loved that I could be myself and have no fear. I loved the chance to leave home and the chaos behind and ride the ten miles to school on that long yellow bus where I could pretend I was someone else – someone secure and confident, someone who did not have to fend off unwanted advances or abrupt blows at every turn. School revealed to me my love in life, the utter joy I feel when reading a tale or writing a story, and when I returned home for those bleak hours before the next school day started I could lose myself in those stories. I had wonderful teachers as well. Not all of them were excellent but to their credit, they all had a kind word for me or praise when I received a good mark, which was more than I received at home. How I would love to provide that same feeling of well deserved pride to a child in a reversed role.

Any life change does not come without fears, however, and this is no different for me. The thought of standing in front of a room filled with twenty kids who are hanging on my every word is somewhat daunting. The idea of always being cheerful and able to give praise, the ability to be patient as a saint, the pressure to live up to my children’s expectations is frightening. Truthfully, I am scared to death that my students will think I am downright boring. I have nightmarish visions of a roomful of rowdy students that refuse to listen and are throwing wads of paper all about while Jimmy is dunking little Susie’s braids into the paint I had reserved for a special art project. Fears aside, however, I think this decision will be one of the most rewarding decisions I have ever made. As I have learned with my son, teaching a child and making a difference in a child’s life is a remarkable experience. So…here’s to change and uncertainty.